Hello Everyone
This is going to be a long post. It’s filled
with thoughts and feelings that have been filling up my mind for years and
only now (and due to a recent drastic turn of events in my life) do I feel safe
writing about. Also I want to apologize in advance because I will
inevitably end up upsetting or disappointing someone I care about who will read
this.
You might have noticed that I have removed over 75% of the posts on this blog and edited many of the ones still remaining. I guess I’ll just flat-out say it: I feel like I’m growing
out of lolita fashion. Lately I’ve been seeing more and more of it’s flaws and
drama and corruption in certain parts of the community has really left me discouraged and sad. It makes me even sadder because I know so many kind and
uncorrupt lolitas who hate the drama and bullshit as much as I do but I just
feel that for me personally, it’s eating away too much of me and I feel like I
need to take an indefinite hiatus from lolita until I can get a stronger grip
on a lot of things; but one thing in particular.
There have been many times over the last few years that I
felt like I needed to take a hiatus from the jfashion and convention scene, but
I stayed mainly because I didn’t want to disappoint people close to me, but
more importantly, I wanted to prove to myself that I was not a coward. I’ve mentioned this rather vaguely many times on this blog
out of fear of backlash but I’m not afraid anymore.
You see, for the last few
years I’ve been going through emotional and psychological Hell in the form of someone I thought was my
friend, dare I say it, someone I thought I loved. To say that this person caused
me anguish wouldn’t even be putting it lightly. This person bullied me, talked about me behind my back,
slandered me and many times nearly drove me to end my life. They managed to convince me everyone in my local lolita community secretly hated me all the while spreading rumors to the point I will likely never feel welcome in my local comm again.
But probably the
worst thing this person did was put me in an extremely compromising situation
which resulted in me being ASSULTED at a convention in 2011. And then
blackmailed me all throughout 2012 to keep them from gossiping about what had
happened to me. Meanwhile, I was dealing with the unfortunate physical result of that assault and had to miss several conventions while I was made to give every extra cent I had to this person, to keep them quiet. But it didn't matter because they still told nearly everyone we mutually know about the incident while continuing to slut shame me and remind me of how I was now worthless because of what I had "allowed" to happen. How I deserved what happened because not only was I not asexual, I wasn't a good lolita.
In their twisted mind, the only way to be a good lolita was to be rich, skinny, pale, and pretty, and since I was none of those things I did not deserve to have any friends or
be happy. This incident was a huge blow to my already low sense
of self-worth and has made it hard for me to trust people, especially those I’d
want to be romantically involved with. It's gotten to the point where I'm terrified of being left alone during conventions, concerts and the like. I hate to say it but I've honestly haven't felt safe at any convention since the assault and that was now almost five years ago.
When I finally dropped this person as a friend I thought the
torment would end but it didn’t. They continued to cause shit for me all up
until as recently as this past January. They slandered me to my local lolita
community making it nearly impossible for me to make friends with lolitas in my
area, nearly got me removed from VKH with even more lies, HACKING MY EMAIL ACCOUNT,
turned many people I thought cared about me against me and tried multiple times
to pit my current circle of friends against me. And worst of all, soon after AWA, they found out where I work and slandered me to my employers. I was placed on a long-term suspension and came very close to losing my job.
My only crime against them: being a better-dressed lolita, being a better writer, having
more brand and generally being more sociable and having more friends.
When all this first happened I thought about taking a break
from the scene for a while but I didn’t want this horrible person to feel like
they had “won” over me, not for a second. But the fact remains that I never
really allowed myself to recover from all the abuse this person
has dealt me. I just kept pushing through to prove myself strong all the while
my psyche was deteriorating.
Well yesterday after an extremely heated fight with my mom,
I came to a revelation. Staying in lolita even after all of these things
happening is not strength, it’s foolishness of the highest degree. I’ve proved
nothing to anyone and what’s worse is that I’ve wasted years trying to. If I had
just taken a hiatus when I thought I should and focus more on myself and my own
personal ambitions, who knows how far I could be by now?
At this point between needing to take care of myself and my
broken self-worth, and the general current tedious nature of the Lolita
community, I feel like the time has come for me to take a long-needed break
from it all. What does that mean? I will be selling off about 75% of my lolita
wardrobe in the next few weeks and removing myself from the general convention
scene and the like for the indefinite future, keeping only the lolita items
that mean the most to me like my dream dresses or items that hold strong
sentimental value to me. I’ll likely be dipping more in to Otome Kei and my
trip to Europe is still on but I don’t know
yet if I’ll be going to Under the Sea just yet and if I do, it will likely be
for only one day. I will also be leaving VKH or, if my superiors allow it, take a hiatus from being a writer there with the idea that I would return in the future.
The fact is I do love this fashion and I know that most
lolitas are not horrible people like the person who has hurt me for so long.
I’ve made so many wonderful friends and made so many beautiful memories that
would not have happened if not for this fashion, it can bring
people together in a way other things don’t. I know all this and it makes my
hiatus all the more bittersweet but I’m looking ahead of things. Maybe I will
get back into it and start con hopping again in the future but for the time
being I just want to focus on myself and learning to love myself without lolita
being a condition of my self-love.
I’ll still update this blog as often as I can, but instead
of talking about lolita or convention adventures, I’ll mostly just be writing
about the other things of my life, school, my love for history and costuming,
my writings, otome kei and vintage movies.
Lastly, to all my dear lolita friends and those I’ve come to know in the
last few years, I hope we all can still be friends even with me taking time to
focus on other aspects of my life for the time being. I hope you all
understand and I love you all.
Yours Jasmine
=^w^=
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